Awk meme (Bakerstreet plz)

[witchplz]

That Awkward Meme

o1. You're trying to slink away with your partner’s valuables after a one night stand only to wake them up in the process.
o2. You send a message with your confession, raaage, embarrassing questions or compromising pictures to the wrong person.
o3. You forgot about a birthday or anniversary and now have to pitch a cheap gift bought in five minutes off the nearest 7/11 as a symbolic expression of your feelings.
o4. You lost your wallet and have to charm a perfect stranger into paying your tab.
o5. You spill your wine on the event special guest half an hour before they're due giving their speech.
o6. You need to get rid of your date/groupie/coworker to assume your superhero identity and go save the day in the nearby building.
o7. You can’t stop hiccuping during someone's heartfelt confession of undying affection.
o8. You kidnapped the wrong person.
o9. You have to get your very drunk friend out of a public place fast, and they're not exactly cooperating.
10. You blame grave illness to cancel on meeting someone, only to run into them an hour later.
11. You slip on a banana peel in the middle of your amazing performance or even more amazing shounen attack.
12. You get matched on a blind date with someone who dumped you. Twice.
13. You call out the wrong name when things get hot and heavy.
14. You have to prod this person whether they like-like your friend without outright saying it, because said friend is apparently five too shy to ask on their own.
15. You run into someone after choosing your clothing or doing your make up during a blackout.
16. You have to ask a favour of someone you publicly lambasted twenty minutes ago.
17. You wake up to find someone's been watching you sleep.
18. You answer the door in your lingerie to surprise your special other, only to find it’s not them calling.
19. You try the polite greeting your friends taught you in a different language, only to find out it’s actually a grave insult or a hilarious proposal.
20. You accidentally walk into someone showering, singing aloud, enjoying their personal time or anything else you feel like putting together.
21. Make your own or mix and match!

Comments

{ ring ring }

[mommyknowsbest]

[ Through the dense cloud of sleepiness, anger, and hopelessness fogging his brain, Kyouya doesn't notice the feminine tinge to the chirpy introduction to the voicemail. But he did register the beep, and that's all that matters. What the hell were they doing out this early anyway? ]

Yes, I'm sure that's your answer to EVERYTHING, isn't it! Call and then never pick up, meanwhile using valuable company minutes! I'll have you know BOTH of you should expect indecent cuts on your next check, and-- [ he takes a deep breath, which threatens to turn into a yawn, but he stifles it with a growl - did ice crystals just form on the phone? whoa, weird ]

--and were you DRUNK? I can't believe you would call ME in that state of mind. Drunk! I'm going to rip your spleens out, and then your livers next. I'll find the most ferocious cannibal in the heart of South America and feed them to him. And I'll make sure I hire the absolute BEST surgeons to fix you up so you're indebted to me for the rest of your pathetic lives, do you UNDERSTAND?

Do not EVER wake me up with a phone call from a bar again, do I make myself clear?

[ Kyouya slams shut the phone so hard a small crack appears in the smaller outer screen and with a thunk he places it on the bedside table before promptly falling back asleep. Bon voyage~ ]

[witchplz]

[Rahzel being Rahzel, she’s up and attem this early seeing as she had charming and oh so mature older men to rouse from slumber with stomping to the crotch and cups of overly sweetened diabetes inducing cups of coffee. The little powerhouse heard the phone ring and the little chime that indicates a message ping a few moments later, but she was elbow deep in breakfast so once her little troopers had marched off to womanize and do whatever it is Alzeid does during the day (hopefully not corner men in alleys and steal their money….again) she finally sat down and listened to the message. And busted out laughing.
The poor guy clearly had a lot on his plate and to be awakened by an employee problem so early is hell. Oh but not as much hell as he was going to give those guys. Rahzel would feel sorry for all of them if it wasn’t so hysterical. Now, with nothing left on her schedule, there was only one thing to do. The right thing to do.]

Hello, bossu? Just calling you back to let you know I was probably on the can making tribute to the porcelain God last time, my bad. And seeing as I’m not even legal enough to drink for another three years or so, I would hope you didn’t condone that during working hours! The union’ll be hearing about this. My lawyer is very good, I’ll have you know. You’d know of course because my insurance with your company did vouch for him and his classy comb over after all~

Ah, an appointment with a cannibalistic South American? I’m so sorry, I regret to inform you that I’ll be on vacation that week, we’ll have to reschedule something like that for a Friday. Bloody Friday to be specific. Mhm, mhm…my therapist has been wondering why I keep waking up in a cold sweat with my internal organs missing. Weird coinkidink!

[More seriously now, Rahzel chuckled.] Hey, maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on them. Everyone mistakenly drunk dials their boss at stupid early hours. They must’ve been stressed if they needed a boys night out. Next time you should go out with them and make sure this doesn’t happen. It's only the responsible thing to do. I hope you have a good day, make sure to take your vitamins, cranky! Ta~

[mommyknowsbest]

[ Kyouya's ghostly hand jerks out to grab the phone when it rings again and when he opens it, mouth poised open in a perfect Ready-to-Bitch face (patented), he stops as he hears the light, chimy tone and that word.

Bossu. BOSSU?! That had to be Nails' doing. This was some girl they'd taken home, he was sure of it, and she'd answered and they'd drunkenly told her ALL about him that morning and--good God, this was ridiculous. Had they shared her? What kind of stuff were his employee--you know, he didn't think he wanted to know the answer to this after all.

Kyouya struggled to keep his mind on the currently one-sided conversation going on, and he fought a losing battle even though his mind processed all of it like the gay robot he is. His eyes widened as he finally realized all she'd said by the time he heard her farewell, and he shouted a gurgled combination of "wait!" and "don't go!" and sat up, jackknifed, in the bed, hair wild and eyes wide. The Kyouya in its natural habitat. See how it seethes with underlying rage. ]

You're not legal to drink--by three--so that means--

[ All the legal implications of Badou and Jojo having relations with this girl who had to be sixt--no, fifteen?!--ran through his mind at lightning speed and made him feel slightly nauseous. He could hire good lawyers, absolutely, but this? This was something he wasn't sure he could erase from records without more money than they probably had...surely he hadn't exhausted his resources yet. ]

My company? You know who my company is? Who are YOU? Never mind that--whatever they've told you,...

[ His voice trailed off as he remembered the cannibal shpeel and he let his eyes narrow into slits. She sounded like a no-good--he wondered briefly if it could be one of his two idiot employees putting on a convincing falsetto... He wasn't sure how, but he would make SURE they found this as amusing as he did if it were the case. Maybe he'd have them go undercover at a nursing home one week for forty hours...that'd teach them. ]

Oh, yes, I'll take your advice on how HARD I am on my employees when they don't commit acts of debauchery and have said acts answer the phone the next day! Why don't YOU take YOUR vitamins, you disgusting girl. And please, get a health screening, for your own sake as well as mine and theirs.

[witchplz]

[Rahzel definitely didn’t expect a call back, nor did she expect the red hot anger that followed. Okay, so the guy had the right to be shitty with her teasing, (but it was SO fun!) but to go to such lengths and- get such an idea in his head?! No wonder he was the leader, projecting and fantasizing about his employees private lives like whatever it was he was implying. Sounds like the kind of guy that breathed heavily over their necks and touched their chests in inappropriate manners, his balding head shining with evil. Rahzel could only sputter and blush hotly for a good two minutes before snarling back-]

Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you are?! You’re the one that called me, genius! Next time maybe take your fingers out of your butt properly before you decide to dial up those poor bastards that are your employees to yell at them! No wonder they need to drink away their sorrows when they loosen their ties from their sweaty necks. I don’t know of your company, nor do I care about your company, because I’m sure if it’s as rude mannered as you are it’s got to be down the toilet by now. Or an evil organization that owns the cheese of the world!

For your information, not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but I don’t know these employees and I’m as fit as a horse, which I’m sure is a foreign concept to someone who eats half fertilized fish eggs! I hope you drop a paperweight on your foot and your secretary spills coffee on your arm, asshole!

[From the sound of her voice she’s definitely pouty and reluctant to add something for the good of this dickhole who was clearly just having a bad day and…as much as he made her mad with his dumbass ass(………)umptions, he deserved some slack. Even though she COULD go about suing for all that good stuff....sigh, it's hard to be a good person these days.] Seriously, take some vitamin C after you have your coffee. It might help prevent migraines from lack of nutrition.

[mommyknowsbest]

If you don't know who I or my company is then I have no more use for you. [He took a moment to consider her words. He'd called her? Maybe it was a mix-up after all...or maybe that's what they wanted Kyouya to believe. Somebody's too stubborn to admit it was a case of the sleepy brain.] And, wait a second, did she just say--]

Despite what little you actually know about my company I can assure you it isn't going down the toilet. Not that I have to take this kind of slander from an obviously rash person such as yourself. I have no further comment on the manner or the nature of my business. Mind your business, why don't you.

My employees receive my critiques due them, as it is all part of building a successful empi--er, company. If it helps you sleep better tonight, though, one of them probably will spill coffee on my arm. I've really got to get to work on that...

[Kyouya was surprised to hear the shift in tone toward professionalism at the end and frowned. Was that supposed to be some kind of health nut insult?]

There is no research for the dietary benefits of such a mineral, so I am disinclined to agree with you. But let me extend my thanks for the attempt at advice. I must admit the use of folk medicine is a mystery to me amidst the high technology of legitimate medical practices.

[Ohhhhh you've done it now you...]

[witchplz]

I could say the same for you! Someone who doesn't instantly know who I am doesn't deserve to lick the heels of my strappy sandals, let alone my crocs! [[HMPH! This asshole just couldn't admit to any wrong doing, could he? Well, it's his bowels getting in an uproar, his complex is not her problem. But she was never one to take those below her down a peg or two...
Her voice drips with the sheer haughtiness on her smug little face]

Psh, if you can't take a little normal joe treatment then it's no wonder your company is going to hell and a hand basket. Forgetting about the little people is just the first step off the plank, I'm afraid. Sounds like it's too late. Oh noooo! Is that the sound of an illegitimate child lawsuit? Sachiko's tired of being a secret in your basement and wants to come to the fundraiser? You're shit outta luck, man. I'll mind my business when yours isn't interfering with my day, how about that, your majesty?

[She snorts, that's what she thinks about your empire, asshole.]
I think you're forgetting a key factor here to any good business: team building exercises. Your participation included. How can they trust you to not forge their signatures when all you do is breathe heavily and fondle your Rolodex in front of them? Tsk, tsk. [A considerable pause follows] I didn't...really mean that. I'm sorry. I hope your secretary leans down too far to mop up the mess and you get a good view of her 4 carat gold necklace instead. [Sullen Rahzel is sullen. No she didn't want to apologize to him, he probably didn't deserve an apology but...but still. The nagging feeling that he was just having a bad day and usually hid his terrible personality through calculating means kept bugging her.

ok she takes some of that back. At least he seems more mystified than assho- oh nope nevermind. She frowns as well] Getting your organs replaced with mechanical ones can only help so much when it comes to natural means, buddy! Don't you look down on Mother Nature or she's gonna put you over her knee and look down at you after she's beat your cheeks until they're as red as cherries! Vitamins are good for you. Having water every once and awhile instead of coffee would probably do wonders for you, too.